If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Randomize
