Please, let me fuck your mom
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
