I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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