Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
