The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
