Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
