Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
