he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
