Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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