At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
