Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Randomize
