and my herpes radar will keep us safe
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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