JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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