An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
