My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
COCAINE IS GR8
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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