My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
