i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
