I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
