I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
