Just fell off a train. Bad.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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