took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
