It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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