Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
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