I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I did not marry a roomba.
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