I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
