Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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