i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
