So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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