captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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