Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
