So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
