I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
