he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
