life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
