You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
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