im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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