i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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