Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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