drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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