with your own penis?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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