woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
