margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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