dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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