i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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