Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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