Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
