My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
