tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
