he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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