i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
